How to stop a child’s whining and complaining: The Grandmothers

Written by admin on August 28, 2010 – 3:07 pm

“Stop that right now!”

“If you don’t stop that whining, I’ll give you something to whine about!”

“If you complain about one more thing, you’ll go to your room!”

The persistent moaning and crying of their young child can make the most patient, calm parents frenzied and helpless. They want it to stop immediately. They want to exert their authority, make the child change and feel their power and control over him.

After all, they are the adults. If they are in public, they feel embarrassed, inadequate and speak through clenched teeth, “Just wait ’til we get home.”

Parents must disconnect

It would help if we could understand what causes this behavior. Something as simple as being tired and staying up past his normal bedtime can make a child cranky and whiny.

However, chronic whining and complaining usually comes from an accumulation of circumstances that leave the child dissatisfied and unable to comfort himself. Often a pestering child can be in the parent’s presence with his physical needs being met, yet feel that his parent has left him.

We sometimes chalk-up his negative whininess to “he just wants attention,” but it is usually more. Whining is often his negative way of trying to reclaim his parent’s focus and support.

It can also be that he does not feel adequate or good enough about himself. He might never seem satisfied, always wanting things he doesn’t have–the shiny truck in the store, the sugary cereal in the grocery, the bobble-head doll at the check-out stand.

When whining is a reaction to the helpless “little” feeling that overtakes the child when he feels left out, he is letting you know how miserable he is when he really wants to be accepted and loved. Even though the child’s behavior at this point makes even the most laid back parent frustrated and miserable too, we can be sure that the child’s frustration with himself is many times greater.

He can’t like himself when he behaves this way and is at a complete loss as to how to make things better. Ironically, just when you least feel like giving it, he needs his parents’ love and support now more than ever.

Reconnecting

Helping a child overcome this miserable state will not be accomplished easily or quickly. No matter what the cause of the present struggle, the first step is to re-establish connection with the child. The most immediate and effective one would be a physical one — a hug or a protective arm around him. Tell him you do get angry with him when he whines and complains, but you still love him.

At the same time, tell your child that you know he is unhappy and that you will help him figure out how both of you can feel better in a loving, happy way–that you don’t like becoming angry and irritated when he is acting like that.

You also need to point out firmly that talking in a whiney voice will not get him what he thinks he wants. He needs to know that you’ll stick to your word but that you will talk with him when he can use his “bigger boy” voice.

Give him a chance to take this in, but stop him if he goes back to the same old behavior. It’s a hard job for him, so try to be patient and calm while you wait! Saying “No!” firmly and not giving in will help stop what could become a nasty habit.

Thinking ahead

Later, if you can pinpoint some of the circumstances that seem to bring on whininess or complaining, point them out to your child — “It seems you get whiney and cranky … whenever I’m on the phone … when it’s time to stop something you’re doing … when something you’re doing becomes too hard … when I’m busy with your little brother … when Daddy and I are reading … when you want something we say you cannot have, etc..”

Make a simple plan of what the child can do for himself when one of these times occurs — something that would help him feel close to you without interrupting or interfering or that he could do until he can have your full attention or help.

Observing

Try to be very observant of those times when your child can wait to do or have something he wants, and when he can overcome frustration by not complaining and persevere instead of whining. Comment with sincere appreciation of his good work and of the way he has figured out things for himself. Let him know how that makes both of you feel better and how nice it is to be able to have fun together instead of fights.

Become aware of the times when your responsibilities and needs may make your child feel left out or disconnected from you. Show him that even though you may have to do other things or be in other places, you can know what he is doing and can be thinking of him.

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